I was 18 years old when I first saw the Church produced movie Man’s Search for Happiness and heard the following words:

“Life’s greatest test comes with the death of a loved one, and without faith in the immortality of the soul, the separation of death looms forever comfortless.”

Twelve years later as a young bishop I had several opportunities to observe the impact of death, on those dying and those left behind. A wonderful sister in our stake lost her husband without warning. He was a prominent loved priesthood leader and physician. The outpouring of love, support, and testimony provided needed strength to this new widow. She was comforted and blessed by others, and her willingness to share her testimony as she entered the mission field kept her grief at bay. Many months following her husband’s death and her honorable release from the mission field, a young adult renting an apartment in her basement called expressing concern. His landlady and admired friend seemed depressed and distraught.

When I called this grieving sister and asked if I might be of some assistance, her humble response taught me an important lesson. “Oh Bishop, I would love to visit, but I could never allow others to see me in the waiting room of LDS Family Services."

This spiritual sister wanted to be a good example to others who had complimented her on how strong she was. She felt she would disappoint them if she admitted that she was still grieving her husband's death. She feared that some would judge her delayed grief reaction and understandable need to mourn as a lack of testimony in the Savior's Atonement.

Shakespeare said it well when he penned the words “everyone can master a grief . . . save he who has it.”

Shakespeare’s words are especially poignant when the death was preventable, accidental, involved a child, or worse yet, was caused or could have been prevented by one who felt responsibility for the deceased.

Some will be spiritually injured when they experience traumatic events and catastrophic loss in their lives. “Spiritual injury results when life’s realities contradict or conflict with previously held spiritual assumptions."

Our personal obedience to the commandments, righteous living, and service guarantee irrevocable blessings from heaven. Such righteous living, however, does not always shield us from what Brother Maxwell refers to as "Life’s Challenges and Suffering."

Brother Maxwell mentions three types of suffering in his book All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, pages 29–31:

1. Our own sinful choices and life mistakes. 2 Samuel 11:2

2. Realities and challenges of earth life. Matthew 5:45

3. Trials God uses to refine us. Job 23:10

1. Our Own Sinful Choices and Life Mistakes.

A voyeuristic King David made a series of choices that ultimately resulted in an act of adultery with Bathsheba and the death of her husband, Uriah.

2. Realities and Challenges of Earth Life.

The Lord "sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” Most of the suffering we experience here is a product of the vulnerabilities of earth life, including the misuse of agency by others. The Lord doesn’t fly airplanes into international trade centers or drive the car of the alcoholic who takes the life of an innocent child playing in his path. Nor does God in most instances, though He could, prevent these events from occurring.

3. Trials God Uses to Refine Us.

In addition to the many well documented refining trials Job experienced, others, including Paul, declared that “there was given to me a thorn in the flesh.”

My personal experience and observation over the past 29 years counseling with members and Church leaders dealing with loss on almost a daily basis has caused me to conclude that most of the challenges and suffering we face on this earth are type-two suffering: resulting from the realities and challenges of earth life.

This understanding can be critical as we attempt to understand and ultimately deal with our losses. Some who become angry at God following the death of a loved one, for instance, have mistaken God’s role in their adversity and suffering.

A mother whose daughter was suddenly and violently killed in a high-speed freeway auto-pedestrian accident at first was confused and angry with a God that would take her daughter from her two weeks before her 22nd birthday and only a month before her appointed time to begin serving her full-time mission.

With support, prayer, and grief work this grieving mother over time came to a spiritual understanding that “the sudden loss of health, wealth, self-esteem, status, or a loved one—developments that may stun us—are foreseen by God, though not necessarily caused by him.” (Maxwell p. 28.) The sinful and irresponsible choices of others can intentionally or unintentionally negatively impact our righteous lives and even shorten our appointed time on earth.

This grieving mother learned that God’s hands are most often present to sustain and comfort us in our suffering rather than to remove the trials and suffering from our lives.

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. He suffered as his father, mother, brother, and wife died with millions of other Jews in gas chambers. He later said, ”They offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from man but one thing: the last human freedom, to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.”

“Man is not destroyed by suffering—he is destroyed by suffering without meaning.”

Each of us will have the opportunity to patiently reach out and minister to those around us who are suffering and dealing with loss. Keep in mind that those suffering generally need to discover the meaning of their personal loss. You and I will do best if we focus on asking what we can do to help rather then attempting to explain why another is suffering. In most instances we don’t receive revelation relative to another person’s life. This is especially true in the early stages of grieving when the individual may be especially vulnerable, confused, and angry with self or others.

Alma, inspired by the words of Abinadi, suggests three ways we can fulfill our baptismal covenants while ministering to those experiencing loss. He was teaching and baptizing at the waters of Mormon when he said:

"And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" Mosiah 18:8–9).

Bear One Another's Burdens

A few years ago I had the opportunity to help coordinate the LDS Humanitarian/Family Services relief efforts to Kosovar refugees seeking asylum in Albania. Many of the refugee tents we visited were filled with young children who had lost their parents.

One hot afternoon standing in a tent city of over 1,000 refugees, we observed an act of kindness that helped us realize what we could do to help those around us lighten their burden.

One of our senior missionaries, exhausted by the heat and many hours on his feet, found relief leaning against a pole. An elderly Kosovar refugee sitting on a large cinder block recognizing the missionary's exhaustion, stood up and, walking backwards, dragged one of his few valued possessions to the LDS missionary. His cinder block brick represented the only seat I could identify in this community of over 500 tents. We were touched by this act of compassion and quickly identified what we could do to help in a small way in bearing another’s burdens.

A few days later we returned to this tent city with hundreds of plastic stool chairs. As the children saw us approaching they surrounded us, pulling on our clothes. Our translator told us the children were expressing thanks for the generous gift and pointing us in the direction of their family’s tent. Each child feared that there might not be enough of the $1.77 chairs for each family in the camp. Returning weeks later, I learned that the school tents were the first to receive chairs. I was impressed as I walked down the many rows of tents. I observed that every family that received a chair had their chair prominently placed in their clean makeshift home. No one in the camp had claimed more than one chair for his or her family. The teacher’s burdens were lightened a little that day, as they were now able to rotate from their chair to the ground as they taught the young children.

Mourn with Those That Mourn

One of the most powerful verses of scripture in our Bibles happens to also be the shortest. John 11:35 states, "Jesus wept." It appears that the Savior of the world, who learned obedience by the things He suffered, was willing to mourn with those who were mourning the death of Lazarus (including a distraught and angry Mary). The next verse makes clear the impact of the Lord's gesture of compassion on those present. Verse 36 reads, “Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!”

This same willingness to mourn with those that mourn was evident the first evening we spent with a large Kosovar family in their host home in Tyrania, Albania.

Several months earlier the father of a part-member family had a surprise visit from a Kosovar business associate he traded with one day every other year. His business associate said as he stood in the door, “I’ve lost my home in Kosovo.” The father responded without hesitation, “My home is your home.” His associate then confessed that he had not come alone; other survivors were hiding outside the apartment. These 12 extended family members did not want to embarrass their potential Good Samaritan host. After all, his home consisted of only three small bedrooms, a living area, and a kitchen, barely enough room for the home's four current occupants.

When we arrived as representatives of the Latter-day Charities we were invited into Arbin’s former bedroom. Arbin, our translator, had since given his room to the 13 house guests. For the past three months he had been living from week to week with different members of the Tirana Branch.

With 18 of us in this small room there was only enough room to sit against the walls shoulder to shoulder. As Dr. Byrd and I contemplated what we might say to express our deep concern, I was impressed to let this family know that we were with them because we loved them and were very saddened by their suffering. When I mentioned that there were thousands of members of our Church who would have come in our place if they had been asked, the senior member of the family responded apologetically, “But do you know we are not members of your church?” Our response without hesitation was yes, we know that, but we believe that we worship the same God. I felt peace in what we said as I reflected on the words of Joseph Smith:

“A man filled with the love of God is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race” (History of the Church, 4:227).

“He is to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to provide for the widow, to dry up the tear of the orphan, to comfort the afflicted, whether in this church, or in any other, or in no church at all, wherever he finds them” (Times and Seasons, March 15, 1842, 732).

Following our expression of love, concern, and common brotherhood, the family spontaneously and in unison expressed three times their appreciation, by bowing their heads and repeating the words "thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you very much."

From that moment on there were no barriers of race, color, religion, custom, or death that could separate us from the love of Christ. A few weeks after our visit, two of the teenagers present that night began missionary lessons in that same small bedroom.

Before we left that night, as honored guests, we were invited to partake of refreshment. We declined initially, fearing how very little food these two families had to eat. We ultimately realized that their grief work included giving and sharing and once again expressing thanks for what they had not lost, including their own lives.

That evening all 18 of us ate from one small plate passed like a sacrament tray from person to person. The plate held one apple cut into very small slices. We then shared a small carbonated orange drink. I soon realized that only five of us had a glass. I quickly finished my drink and returned the glass to the tray. It was quickly washed, refilled, and shared with the brother to my left. The reverence of that moment will forever bring tears of gratitude to my eyes and warm my grateful heart.

Comfort Those in Need of Comfort

Joyce and I have buried two of our six children. Cameron was born with cerebral palsy. At 14 he had the physical abilities of a nine-month-old. He was unable to coordinate and utilize his muscles in his arms, legs, neck, and trunk. His mind and spirit, on the other hand, were strong. He loved God and never complained about his limitations and discomfort. His character and personality were the most Christlike I have ever known.

As he grew larger we spent more time together. We found great joy as we worked, played, bathed, dressed, laughed, prayed, and even ate off the same fork. Cameron and I were not only father and son but also best friends. I’m pretty convinced that no father has ever loved his son more or felt his son’s love any more then I did for those short 14 years.

Cameron died following an elective surgery recommended by his physician and approved by his parents. The surgery was designed to give him greater movement and comfort in his joints. I was sleeping by his side in the hospital when he stopped breathing. I held his foot in the ambulance as the warmth gradually left. I had no idea how much I would miss the investment of love, energy, and time Joyce and I had put into making ours and Cameron’s life meaningful.

Two weeks after his death I ran into a good friend and neighbor while walking our dog. We talked on the corner about the fun and spiritual aspects of Cameron’s life. Dave had taken the time to know Cameron and saw past his limitations. When our reminiscing ended that day, Dave ended our conversation with a statement that brought me great comfort. He simply said, “Dennis I want you to know, I will never grow tired of hearing you talk about Cameron.” Others had shared more profound messages about death and dying and were appreciated. However, none of the counsel and expounding had the impact of these sincere words of comfort.

Never hesitate to share your love and memories with the living concerning their departed loved ones. Remember, many individuals who have experienced significant losses are not grieving less over time; they’re just grieving less often with the passage of time.

Attending the temple in behalf of Cameron brought one additional spiritual comfort from his loving Father in Heaven. I had hoped and prayed like many others coping with the loss of a loved one for a miracle sign, visitation, or at least reassuring dream. The prophet Elijah had a similar experience as he sought a dramatic miracle from God to change hearts and prevent the physical and spiritual deaths of those in his stewardship. He learned firsthand from the Lord that the most convincing witness to the righteous is often much more subtle. In 1 Kings 19:11-12 we read:

"And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice."

My still small voice came at a sacred moment in the temple. It was not the spectacular miracle or sign I had prayed for. Rather it was a miracle moment of complete reassurance concerning the immortality of the human soul. That still small voice witness for me came at the completion of Cameron’s temple endowment.

I’m reminded again as I reflect on the inspired words spoken in a Church movie that helped change my life: Man’s Search for Happiness.

“Life’s greatest test comes with the death of a loved one, and without faith in the immortality of the soul, the separation of death looms forever comfortless.”

“God has not left you without hope. This he has promised you.”

“I am the resurrection and the life and he that believe in me though he were dead yet shall he live.”

Source

Dennis and Joyce Ashton
BYU Education Week Seminar, 2004
(Used by permission of the author and publisher.)